Many of my clients and clients experience cheating in many ways. Even if it turns out that a partner did not end up in bed with someone else, they still feel cheated, hurt and disappointed. It seemed to most that if they found out about the other party’s infidelity, they would pack their belongings or hers and say, “Ahoy!” So many would be seen and not a second longer. These are assumptions, however, and in reality things are not. Instead of packing, they decide to fight for affection. They come to the session and say, “I want to forget about it and go on.” It is a pity, because unfortunately it cannot be done. So let’s answer the question: “Is it possible to forgive treason?”
My clients are always disappointed that with the help of a psychologist they cannot erase something from their memory. It’s not just about treason. People want to forget about lies, fraud or neglect. There are people who say they have succeeded, but it has required a lot of work. Strange, because they often mention in conversations what they do not remember. These people push out what is uncomfortable and what they cannot cope with at the moment. Unfortunately, what is repressed returns at the most unexpected moment.
Since it is impossible to forget, it is definitely forgivable. It is possible if it results from a deep need of the person who has experienced the harm. It’s hard to really, sincerely forgive. People don’t really know how to do it. They learned that it was a quick fix to the problem: “I’ll say I forgive and it’ll be over.” It will not. The one who has hurt breathes a sigh of relief and thinks that the topic is closed, but in the injured side the emotions continue to boil. They gather, they gather, and one day it explodes unexpectedly.
Also read the article: What Next After The Betrayal? Time To Think.
It has to be worked through
There is no forgiveness without the goodwill of both parties. He is also there without explanations and talks as well as readiness for changes that will occur as a result of what has happened. It will never be the same again. It is extremely optimistic that it could be better. Difficult experiences, well-worked, can strengthen a relationship and make it better because what led to betrayal or lying is eliminated.
Due to the “caliber of the offense”, the couple’s lies or neglect can often deal with the two of them by discussing the problem. In the case of betrayal, specialist support from an outsider and participation in therapy for couples is invaluable. Those who decide to work through the problem themselves are usually drowned in emotional chaos, grievances, impulsively made decisions or choose the worst option, ie “We cut off with a thick line what happened and live on”.
It does not work!
Then what? Breakups alternate with returns. What is supposedly erased from memory comes back with redoubled strength. People feel frustrated and exhausted. They are afraid to make decisions because they don’t want to lose what was important to them. They are supposed to be together, but still separate. Such relationships usually last for some time, but accumulated regrets, lack of trust and a sense of injustice cause a delayed bomb to explode one day. Then, usually, there is nothing to collect, and there is no question of forgiveness.
It’s not always worth it
The stories of my clients show that often the desire to forgive is greater than the need for compensation on the other hand. Forgiveness does not mean getting over the wrong and ignoring it. Whoever has been hurt must open up to the reasons that drove the partner. Whoever has hurt must accept responsibility for the harm done. The fault is never on one side. It is for this very reason that the work must be undertaken by both sides. If one of them refuses, it is usually a sign that the relationship is gone. Just two people left. She and he, not them.
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