I guess I can say that I envy every woman who never heard it. As long as hearing something like this at the very beginning of the relationship as a clear message about the type of relationship you want to create (the so-called “relationship” without obligations) is still a relatively simple matter, because you can simply resign from continuing this relationship, receiving such information after a dozen or so successful meetings – this is a more difficult and definitely less pleasant matter. What to do when he doesn’t want a relationship?
“Let me start with the fact that we met less than two months ago. It was short, right? Everyone around can’t understand why I’m experiencing it this way. Is it abnormal? Maybe I am oversensitive? After these two wonderful months of meeting each other, looking each other in the eye, hugging, walking by the hand, making plans and constantly hanging on the phone in every possible form, he suddenly informed me that he probably wasn’t ready for a relationship. I did not expect it at all, it was like a bolt from the blue, there was nothing to say about it.
I didn’t know how to act, so I started asking. I tried to help him understand himself and I had the feeling that the longer we talked, the more he himself started to notice how absurd things he was afraid of. And he is afraid of attachment, of responsibility and of being hurt again by a woman. I thought I was going to fall to pieces. From the helplessness, anger, pissing off and upset he caused me. I can’t understand why this happened. Did I do something wrong or did I do too little? I do not know myself.”
The length does not matter
At the outset, I would like to emphasize that the duration of the relationship is not always a determinant that allows you to assess whether the relationship should matter or not. If we get something from someone that we want and need, it is natural that we feel good about it and want to stay there. When someone closes a candy store in our face, and we like candy, we are frustrated and dissatisfied. The determinant is intensity. Sometimes, within a month, someone storms into our lives and we have the impression that they have been there for much longer, while delivering candies by trucks, that it is enough to get involved. Just like that.
“I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship.”
“I don’t know if I want a relationship.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship.”
“Ehh, I don’t know if this is a good time for a relationship.”
“I don’t know if I’m fit for a relationship.”
“Often these words are enriched with additional explanations of why this is so.”
I know that when you hear something like that, your ears wither. And I know that’s not what you expected. I also know that this is a nasty and unpleasant feeling. I know that you feel like anger, rebellion and screaming, and sometimes even, like with the best soap opera, tears flow. I know you want to ask: but why, more specifically? But how? Explain it to me: here, now and now! I want candy!
What to do ? Step 1
Don’t say go to hell. Do not try to convince him otherwise, and he is definitely ready / suitable and you will show it to him in a moment. Moreover, don’t try to be a lifesaver to understand himself, that’s not your role. Also, don’t pour out your emotions, it won’t do any good. Instead, take a deep breath and say, “I understand. I am unable to answer this question for you. If you don’t know and aren’t sure, it means you need time to find out. I know I am ready for a relationship and I want to create one with someone who wants the same and I hope to be still here when you find out if you want what I want. “
Say it and go. Any of the above-mentioned sentences are not the beginning of a dialogue, but an expectation of your reaction. You are not able to answer these doubts for him because they do not concern you. If he needs time to find an answer – give it to him. If you need someone who, like you, knows he wants to form a relationship, give yourself the right to say that you hope you will still be here when he finds the answer. This way, the risk is split into two sides – you run the risk that he may not come back. He’ll be there when he finds the answer.
What’s next ?
As hellishly difficult as it may seem, it is the most sensible thing you can do. Say it and walk away. Do not try to stay in this place by force, you will only hurt yourself. Sitting on a bomb laden with doubt is definitely not safe. Let it explode away from you. When he is looking for an answer, you also ask yourself: do you want to be with someone who does not know or want her in relation to you? Do you want to be with someone who is afraid of attachment and responsibility? And did you imagine your partner this way? Do you really want this? The answer may surprise you.
You may feel lonely. But it’s really not worth thinking that no one will ever love you
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