The Trap Of a Mock Friendship. A Word About Friendzone


How to get out of friendzone? “We met about two months ago, I don’t even remember exactly. As a standard, we started with going on dates – we were at the cinema, at dinner, I met his friends. And suddenly, bam! More and more he began to emphasize that I am a great friend for him, that he does not want to be associated now. I thought that there was at least a hot feeling developing between us … and that at any moment she would be consumed in bed, and here’s something like that.

Of course, stupid, I said sure – I think exactly the same – we’d be great friends! We still talk to each other almost every day, we go out together to eat something. And when we drink a little, the atmosphere gets really … tense .. I still have the impression that he is very attracted to him. And I’m going a little crazy – I’m starting to feel hellishly tired, but I have no idea what to do so as not to scare him. I care about this acquaintance. On the other hand, more and more often I have the impression that I have found myself in a hopeless situation. It is very convenient for him, because I think he subconsciously feels that I care for him more than for an ordinary colleague. Only… if I suddenly say no! I don’t want to be your friend, I think the guy will run away because it smells desperate … “

Let’s think about it …

I get a dozen or so messages a month – she wanted a relationship, and he wanted too. But later “he saw something” and said that it would be better to remain friends after all. To which she agreed, because she saw no other way out of the situation. Everything would be fine if it weren’t for the fact that she didn’t do it according to what she felt and now she is absolutely exhausted with how much energy she has to put into behaving differently than she would like. Combinations, so as not to show something in a friendly [friend] relationship, and for this he devotes time to analyzing the meaning of the smallest gestures. He’s wondering what he’s really thinking. In a word, she treated her way through the torment in the land gracefully called The Trap of Friendship.

From friendship to love

I believe it is possible to move from friendship to love. If people have long years of building a friendship, are supportive of each other, and one fine day a desire appears between them – this can happen. Most often, of course, it takes place in Hollywood productions. First, a couple of friends talk about their love conquests, advise each other, then end up in bed and know in the morning that they are made for each other.
And then they live happily ever after.

However, there is one major difference between this kind of story and the one quoted at the beginning – the sequence of events. When two people meet with the intention of building a relationship / creating a relationship / being a couple – they flirt with each other, tease and put into action all those elements that are reserved for a certain type of relationship. I don’t know what your experiences are. I personally do not flirt with my colleagues, because I am not attracted to it and I do not feel the need to do so. It is lust that distinguishes relationships from camaraderie. With desire comes the need for closeness and tenderness. Also the need for exclusivity, sometimes a hint of jealousy, there is also a passion that is rather in vain to find in friendship.

The word was said, in spite of yourself you willingly agreed to be a friend

Perhaps you have thoughts like the ones below, which my readers share with me.

“Thanks to the fact that we are friends, I have a substitute for what I really want, but what he is not able to give me at the moment.”

It is worth asking yourself – when do you think the moment will come when he will be able to give you what you need? Does it seem possible at all?
“I agreed to let him see that he made a mistake in backing off and let it finally get to him.”

“I went for this arrangement so as not to lose it – this is how I have it with me and I hope one day he will see it clearly.”

The awareness that we have made a mistake comes to us when we lose something, not when we still have it nearby, and on the terms that we dictate from the very beginning to the very end.

“I don’t feel good about it. I am really tired of it, but I am afraid that any sudden movement on my part will scare him and I will lose him once and for all. “

Is he really worth that sacrifice? Is the relationship that I assume you want worthwhile one where you feel tired? I imagine that this situation is hellishly difficult and costs you a lot of energy, attention and dedication. What can be done to get out of it?

First things first: stop being afraid

Stop being afraid of your own needs. Why are his needs more important than yours? Why are you able to give up your own desires to satisfy the desires of the man you like? Valuable relationships are those in which we give and take each other. Where only one person with dedication fulfills the needs of the other side in return only receives the “consolation prize”, they are more like parasitism. Let’s face it – we know exactly how much we can afford, because as people we constantly explore borders and try to move them.

If you are ruled by fear, you are letting your limits push more and more. Until one day you start waking up with a twist in your stomach and frantically wondering how to get out of this situation. You feel that you have lost yourself and you would very much like to “regain yourself”. Tell yourself what you need, name it and, as befits an adult, conscious woman – face the facts. Does this acquaintance meet your needs? Will it ever be able to satisfy them? Is the relationship in which the most important thing is right for you? If not – get up the courage and start changing the rules.

Rule 1

Don’t be his male-female relationship therapist

What characterizes a friendship where the intentions of both sides are clear. Then and yes, there is space to support each other, advise each other and try to find a solution to the problem together. When a man is your object of interest, and you, completely against yourself, try to support him in building relationships with other women – you deprive yourself of the opportunity to get out of the impasse. Avoid such conversations! Don’t get involved in them, don’t tell him what to do. This kind of closeness is important and valuable, but definitely not in this situation. If you decide to play the role of a therapist – you are missing out on a chance to flirt. In addition, also for perceiving you as an object of desire – you become a support in the area from which you should stay as far as possible.

Rule 2

Meet other men

If he wanted to be friends and you agreed to it – why not? Of course you’re hesitant, because you’ve already found your target of interest. This one, however, doesn’t see you the same way. It’s not about making jealousy, trying to force yourself to find a replacement. It’s about changing your perspective. Meeting others does not necessarily lead to a relationship. However, they effectively remind you of what it is like to be a woman who arouses interest. They also remind you how to flirt and how to seduce. You, in turn, give him a clear signal that the rules of a friendly relationship apply to two sides – being a free woman, you have the full right to spend time with anyone you like. This is definitely a good way to “refresh your head” and strengthen your sense of attractiveness. After all, it is no secret that we view ourselves in the eyes of other people.

Rule 3

Have your opinion

Stop being a nice, humble girl who always agrees to everything. Is it not enough that, against your needs, you have agreed to a friendship that you do not feel like at the moment? In addition, in friendship, we also do not always agree with the other person. Unlike mock friendship, we don’t desperately try to please someone.

Fear drives you, so you try to avoid situations that, at least to a small extent, could be perceived as conflicting. You passively adjust to the situation so that he can finally see how wonderfully you get along. If you’re not like that towards your friends, definitely don’t be like that towards him. Not being ready to oppose and stand by your standards makes you much less attractive as a potential partner. It is not about fighting and thus giving an outlet to the negative emotions that sit inside you in relation to the situation that has arisen. The point is to show your worth and the principles that guide you in life. Doesn’t that make people attractive in our eyes?

Rule 4

Don’t be constantly “on the alert”

Being on call does not make us fascinating and worth the effort. If we sense that we are the most interesting thing in someone’s life – we don’t have to try. We know that no matter what we do – this person will be. While it’s great with mom, dad, grandma, and best friend, it’s deadly for a man to be like that. Don’t give up on yourself! Do not give up your interests, passions, meetings, friends (the real ones), getting to know other men. Also, do not allow one person to occupy time that you could easily allocate to five other people. It’s not about pretending and doing something by force. It is enough to follow one golden rule: I give you as much time and attention as you give me.

Rule 5

Get ready to say goodbye

The best plan requires a contingency plan. From the moment you decide to enter into a fake friendship, you should be prepared for the fact that one day you may run out of strength. Despite the fact that you will try – you will not achieve your goal, and bad emotions will start to reach its zenith. Then there is a high risk that if you cross the border point – you will pour out all the anger, frustration and a bucket of resentment on him, which you will taste with regret for everything you had to go through. Do you feel you have no more strength?

There is nothing wrong with saying “you know, I like to spend time with you, but more than a friendly beer / wine / coffee / dinner I want to go on dates now.” If it is beyond your strength and you would never be able to write something like this in your life – limit your contact by finding any reason and, if you do not see any prospects for this relationship, and your emotions are boiling, start slowly withdrawing.

Help yourself

If, against yourself, you’ve agreed to what you don’t really want – it’s not too late to try to change the course of things by following the above rules. Men, as well as women, eagerly take advantage of the possibility of having a cookie and eating a cookie. On the one hand, they offer friendship, on the other hand, they willingly use the privileges intended for relationships, thus roasting two birds with one stone, and it is difficult to blame them for it, since they are allowed to do so. Sometimes, despite taking the most sensible steps to break us out of the impasse, it doesn’t work. Then the best you can do for yourself is walk away. Remember – desperation is not knowing your needs and trying to meet them. It is desperate to ignore what you want and remain in a situation that makes you unhappy.

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